This is all a bit of fun. I enjoy a wide variety of cocktails and I truly don't judge anyone...
except for one or two, but I'll never tell.
Old-Fashioned: you either A) Heard this on a show once and wanted to pretend like you knew what you were ordering, or B) You really love the perfect balance of sugar, whiskey, and bitters.
Margarita: You are a regular at a Mexican restaurant or bar where you love their margarita's and really wish that your friends would have agreed to go there but you were outvoted. You don't know why you ordered a Margarita, because you know it's not going to be as good, but you try anyways. It's never as good. Either this or you just really like Chili's and like how cheap their $5 margaritas are.
Long Island Iced Tea (LIT): You want to get drunk as fast as possible and don't care what it tastes like as long as its sweet, because you can't handle a shot. This immediately clues bartenders in to know that they need to be aware of you throughout the night. 'Cause these people are the problem people. (Also, a LIT isn't going to contain more alcohol than any other cocktail, just smaller amounts of all of them. A common misconception).
AMF (adios mother fucker!): You love to party and are new to drinking. You live in a small town. You love the electric blue and sweet taste, it's what keeps you coming back. You're used to hearing "I can't make that, we don't have Blue Curacao." You're also unaware that an AMF is actually just a Long Island Iced Tea with Blue Curacao instead of Triple Sec. And those two ingredients at that quality level are almost identical too. Just one is blue.
Boulevardier: You know what you're talking about. You have great taste and you're devilishly good looking. (If you can't tell. This is one of my favorite cocktails).
Lemon Drop: You were definitely in a soritety and your name is probably Jessica or Brittany.
Vodka Martini Extra, Extra-Dry: You really aren't ordering a martini. You want vodka Up, but want to feel sophisticated when you order it.
Dirty Martini: You are a woman over 50 with a rather large estate OR you love to sound fancy ordering cocktails but don't want to taste any alcohol. You like that this just tastes like olive juice and is served in a cool glass.
Jack & Coke: You've been drinking this before you turned 21 because their marketing is great and it's all you could get and now its all you know how to order. You're too embarrassed to try to order anything else for fear of the bartender looking at you weird.
Whiskey Sour: This is what you order every time. You want to like alcohol but really don't like it yet. Sour's are the only way you can hang out with your friends at the bar. This is also the only cocktail you know how to order that you like. Also. You spend a lot of time at dive bars.
Midori Sour: You love Starbursts and Halloween. You wish you could order this all the time but you're so used to bars saying they don't have Midori. You love to tell people that they have to try yours when you order it. You believe you've discovered something so great that you need to share it with the world.
Amaretto Sour: You REALLY haven't found a cocktail you like. When you sip your friends drinks you pucker up and quickly go back to your Amaretto Sour. It's your safe place. You'll continue ordering this for the foreseeable future. You also spend a lot of time at dive bars.
Negroni: You're a screenwriter. You're probably going to pull out your laptop to work on it while you sip on this. It's also 2pm. You might also order this on dates to seem cool.
Gin and Tonic: There are two options here. A) You work on Wall Street and hate your life and order five of these each night during the weekday while you wonder how your life led you to this moment. B) You think this is healthy (it's not. Tonic is bubbly sugar water).
Shot of Jaegermeister: Please God. Leave my bar. Your fragile masculinity is too much to handle. You definitely say "bro!" a lot.
Shot of Fireball: You at least have standards and aren't a "bro."
Beer: Bartenders in their heads, "Well that was easy." You've got some nightmare stories from when you had a night out with hard liquor. One too many in fact. You stick with beer for now on.
Whiskey neat: If they order expensive whiskey, this makes sense. They are an actual hipster or rich and want to show off and order this very loudly. If the whiskey is cheap. This person needs a hug.
Bee's Knees: This person definitely has essential oils and wishes more drinks had lavender.
Sidecar: You spend all your time at the exact same speakeasy. Any other bar is definitely going to make it wrong.
Manhattan: You don't mess around. You sit at the bar, raise your hand with one finger pointed to the sky, make eye contact with the bartender and only mutter one word, "Manhattan." You then immediately resume your activity of settling in at the bar (removing your coat, etc. checking emails on your phone).
Moscow Mule: You are under 40 and the moment you discovered these, the copper mug drew you in for sure, but there was no going back after this. This is who you are now. A Moscow Mule person. If they serve it to you in a regular glass and not a copper mug, inside you try to hide how annoyed that makes you. If they serve it with ginger-ale instead of ginger-beer. You are straight up walking out. I mean. You're gonna pay and tip well. You don't like confrontation. But you're never going back there.
Pimms Cup: You went to a "sick ass bar" once where this was on their special menu. They had some cool twist on it. But everywhere you go and ask for one. They just look at you weird or say they don't have Pimms. Hang in there, you just need to go to a better bar.
A Speciality Cocktail (a cocktail of the establishments making): You enjoy cocktails and really love experimenting to find what you haven't tried yet. You're an adventurous person. Probably left the country (pre-pandemic) or spent a week in the Appalachians in the last six months. You wish you knew how to make these things. They're so good!
Whiteclaw: You're committed to sticking to your diet. You're friends dragged you out against your wishes and you don't want to just sit there without a drink so this is what you order. It's the healthiest option you know how to order. Aside from a shot. But. Who wants that? Plus it's not going to last as long as you want it to either. You are also great with a budget.
Cosmo (Cosmopolitan): You were obsessed with Sex in the City. You're actually not even quite sure what's in it. But you love ordering it, and you love how cute it is with that pink hue. Oh...to live the life of those girls....what you wouldn't give.
Daiquiri: You wish you were on a beach all the time. You love tiki drinks but most places don't make great tiki drinks. You understand at this point after having enough bad ones, that they are hard to do well. So this is your go-to. A simple, yet perfect beach drink. Not too sweet. Not too sour. Just right. You think back to your last cruise that took you to the Caribbean with every sip.
Frozen Daiquiri: You live in Florida or Las Vegas. Best of luck to you.
Aperol Spritz: You're a basic bitch and proud of it (this also includes me).